DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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