I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
