Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
