she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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