She is in my trunk
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
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