He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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