i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
