anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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