hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
she looked like the before picture.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
