I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
