There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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