that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
