so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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