I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
