i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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