So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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