She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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