I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
