the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
