I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
