i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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