WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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