i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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