Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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