i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
