when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
