I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
