youre lurking in front of me
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
