We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
