I accidentally had phone sex last night
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
