Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm having to shit out rocks
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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