To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
