so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
