someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I need water and some morals
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
