She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
