Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I could fuck to npr.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
