Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
