i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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