In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
