You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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