I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
