i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
