you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize