I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
