Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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