this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
