Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
