my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Randomize
