Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
