What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
