So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
