Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
