If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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